Full-on girl

I never felt like part of me was male. I feel like a full-on girl. But in the back of my mind, something always seemed wrong. From a young age, I was always tired, my joints hurt and as a child, I was very tall for my age. The cause was unknown.

Never heard about intersex

I already went to the paediatrician for these problems. At 14 years of age I was examined because my periods had not started. It appeared that I neither have a uterus nor fallopian tubes. I'd never heard about intersex before and I got very confused. Even the nurse who was there reacted surprised, like: what is this?

Who am I?

It's quite something to get this kind of news while going through puberty. I didn't trust my own body anymore: I was and felt like a girl, right? How could I have male characteristics? In biology class, I learned that having XY chromosomes means you're a boy. I have XY chromosomes but I'm not a boy, nor am I something between a boy and a girl. It was confusing for a long time. But eventually I realised I'm the same Joyce as before the diagnosis.

Disorder

I don't see being intersex as an illness, but as a disorder. Something went wrong in the womb. Because of that, I've got underdeveloped testicles inside my abdomen. When I heard that, I thought: gross, that's masculine and that isn't who I am. I wanted them removed straight away. My doctor gave me half a year to think about it, because having them removed does come with risks. If you have them removed, you'll need to take medication for the rest of your life. During this half a year, I visited the Dutch peer support group, DSD Nederland, and heard stories from people who had their testes removed and who suffered from that.

Testes are a part of me

I talked to a woman who still has her testes. She told me: 'They have always been inside you and have always been part of you'. That inspired me to leave them be, which lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. I do have to go to the hospital regularly to have them checked, to see if they haven't turned malignant. If the hospital hadn't given me the time to think, I would've had them removed. Still, I've had to look up a lot of information about intersex myself. You can find a lot on the internet and social media. And I really liked the peer support group, the people there knew exactly what I was going through.

Different times

I'm glad I live now instead of ten or twenty years ago. You couldn't talk about it back then. I would have been even more shocked, like: apparently this thing I have is very bad. I was just told to be 'careful about who I share it with'. That's a lot better already, even though you do still feel like you're different. Why else would you need to be careful?

Boys

Some of my friends are thinking about boys a lot. I'm more reserved. I'm not sure whether that's related to me being intersex or to something else. When I start dating boys, I want to be with someone who makes me feel 100% secure. That's how it's supposed to be. I don't want to just find someone I like, I want to find a good person. And when that happens, I'll definitely tell them that I'm intersex. I don't think that will be difficult for me, since I have positive experiences with telling the news. At first, only a few people at school knew, but then I got looser about it and now my entire friend group knows. I also never got bullied because of it.

Helping others

What happened made me grow up really fast. I notice it when I'm talking to other people. Sometimes, people see things from one angle only, while I look at things from multiple perspectives. I'm tolerant of people who are different in any case. I have a disabled sister so I'm used to it. Everyone is different, but we're all human. I've always seen it that way.

Hiding

As a child, my life was all about hiding my body. Whether I was changing my clothes for P.E., for football practice, or at the pool. Because of my micropenis, I wasn't able to pee while standing up, so I had to plan everything I did beforehand. I wanted to avoid ending up somewhere in a latrine with friends, or having to pee on the side of the road. Even during summer, I used to wear loose-fitted blouses and sweaters to hide my breasts. The constant lying, beating around the bush, and the fear that people would discover that I wasn't a 'real' man completely destroyed my self-image. And it's still taking its toll on me. All I know is that my name is Geert and I'm sitting on this chair right now. But honestly, I don't have any clue who I truly am.

Freemartins

Unlike me, my twin brother is considered 'normal. So I always knew I was different from the rest. I grew up on a farm where animals were born who couldn't be specifically labelled as male or female. Hence, we called them freemartins. They couldn't produce milk or reproduce, so they were basically worthless. I knew I was like them. After I had genital surgery, my friends at school asked me: 'how's your leg?' Apparently my parents told my teacher that I had knee surgery. It made me realise that I had to keep my mouth shut. No matter how young you are, you notice that men with small penesis are laughed at. You know it's something to be ashamed of and it's something you'll be humiliated for. Not just by men, but also by women.

Multiple surgeries

When I was around ten years old, my urinary channel was moved by surgery, but it went wrong. I was in a lot of pain, and I had fistulas everywhere from which my urine leaked. I was too afraid to tell my parents, since my older brother had just died in an accident, so I figured they already had enough to deal with. It wasn't until I turned 17 that I decided to confide in my sister. We went back to the hospital, and countless recovery surgeries followed. Nonetheless, it never really got any better, as the part between my legs is completely mutilated. During my childhood, we never talked about what was going on. Even when my breasts started to grow, my parents and the doctors didn't say a word. I felt like a failed human being, and incredibly lonely. I remember standing in front of my brother's grave, thinking to myself: I wish I was in your place. But I also knew I couldn't just end my life since my parents had already lost a child.

Relationships

Being in a relationship is very important to me. It makes me feel like I matter. I've been married for thirty years. My ex-partner has two kids and I'm like a dad to them. I got divorced at the age of 60 due to a lot of things, except for me being intersex. After the divorce, I decided to take a step back and take a closer look at myself as a person. I was desperate to learn more about myself. And who was Geert anyway?

PAIS

Two years ago, I got access to my medical records, and I found out that I have PAIS (Partial androgen insensitivity syndrome). This means that I am partly insensitive to testosterone and that my body has developed in a way that's partially male and partially female. It turns out my doctors knew about this for a very long time, but they never said anything to me. They never even mentioned the word intersex. I only discovered PAIS when I googled it. During my search, I came across someone called Marleen Hendrickx, who's also intersex. She was looking for intersex people to join her play X Y WE, so she came to see me. For the first time ever, I felt like someone finally saw who I truly was, someone who actually understood me! I went on a theatre tour with her and other intersex people. At the age of 60, I decided to step out of the shadows and tell my story to the world.

Supporting others

Even today, life's still very difficult for boys and men with small penises. This actually applies to everyone with a biological sex that's different from the ones you see in biology textbooks. When searching the internet, you'll find nothing about men with PAIS. That's exactly why I've been sharing my story in the media for the past two years. Now, other intersex people contact me just like I contacted Marleen back then. Parents of children with PAIS and adults suffering from this condition approach me when they read something about me or when they see or hear me talk in the media. I hope I'll be able to support them, one way or another. I'd like to give them the recognition I never had. Because what I went through as a child, is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

Biology class

When I was five years old, they discovered that I have both X and Y chromosomes, and also that my body doesn't respond to testosterone. Bit by bit my parents informed me about it and I remember them telling me that I'd have to take certain pills to grow breasts in the future. They also made it clear not to talk about it, except with DSD Nederland, a Dutch peer support group. It was nice spending time with others who've got the same condition, nonetheless, everyone was still terrified that our secret would be revealed. Everywhere I went it became clear that my condition shouldn't even exist in the first place. That was confirmed in biology class, during which I learned that women have XX chromosomes and men have XY chromosomes. I then asked if I as a girl could have XY chromosomes. My teacher answered that it wasn't possible.

Monster

The outside world saw me as an open and cheerful person, but on the inside I felt rather lonely. I thought to myself: if others would ever find out who I really am, who'd even want to be with me then? My secret turned into something like a monster that seemed to take over my body and eventually my identity. I felt like some sort of freak then. I didn't confide in anyone until I was in my twenties, but even then I told them not to say anything about it to anyone else. When I was 22, I confessed everything to a lifelong friend of mine, and she kept on pushing me to seek help, because I was totally confused.

Theatre

In therapy I learnt that the Androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS, the medical term to describe my intersex variation) was nothing but one of my many characteristics. Step by step I learnt to share my story with others and I also started making theatre productions regarding the subject. X Y I is a rather personal play in which there's only my character, and X Y WE is a group play with other intersex people. As I put my story into words and spread it across the world, the monster got smaller and smaller, until it became so little, it fitted in the palm of my hand. Even now, I can't help but to think: am I actually going to share my story? Am I really going to do it? But now that the little monster doesn't affect me as much, I'm capable to approach the matter and all that comes with it.

Positive comments

I blamed my parents for a long time, because of their strong advice not to talk about it. But they explained to me that there were three doctors in the hospital who emphasised that it would be best to keep everything a secret. I understand why people used to think that way in the fifties or sixties. The idea was to protect kids from society. But the advice to keep it quiet persisted long into the 21st century, even when research showed it to be harmful. I have never had to deal with negative comments after I came out. Even though I live in a small village. Most people simply responded with: 'Oh. Well, I couldn't be bothered with your chromosomes.' Turns out I have been lonely for all those years for no reason at all. I am still furious about that.

Who am I?

I have already shared my story many times publicly. For example, I opened up about me being intersex in the Dutch tv show Spuiten en Slikken (Dutch for Shoot and Swallow) and I mentioned it on the Dutch live tv show with Humberto Tan, a famous Dutch tv host. Addressing the topic helped me process my story. But my story doesn't stop there, instead, it's an ongoing process. I now have reached a point where I wonder: who am I without my secret? I remember the patient association always emphasised that we're real, normal women. At first, I always used to stress this statement as well: I presented myself as a real and normal girl. But now, I realise that I don't exactly know who I am, not even when it comes to being a man or a woman. People often ask me whether I feel like a woman. I always respond by asking the same question: do you truly feel like a man or woman? Oftentimes, people aren't sure how to respond. Because what does feeling like a man or a woman actually mean? Is it really necessary to have a clear answer to that?

Identity

It wasn't until five years ago that I first heard the word intersex. For me, the word refers to a variation in biological sex rather than a condition. I started to realise that intersex is more than something I just happen to have, because it's now such an important part of my identity. And by that I don't just mean the biological aspects, but also my duty to inform and educate today's society. All of this has had a huge impact on myself as a person, so now I tend to say that I am indeed an intersex person instead of having an intersex condition.

Lump

When I was born, the doctor thought I was a boy. I didn't have testicles, and I had some sort of lump instead of a willie. I read girls' books, just like my sisters did. We built LEGO houses that we used for playing with our dolls. We had a warm bond, we still do. But I felt guilty towards my parents. I felt they were disappointed, all because of me. Especially my father. He tried to turn me into a boy and sent me outside when I was playing with dolls. When I was about four years old, my mother told me I'd never get married. She told me I could never talk about what I had with anybody, let alone show it. Apparently I should be ashamed of the thing between my legs.

Societal changes

The feeling of not being good enough is profound and will never go away, even though I have learned to accept myself. I notice it when talking with friends. When there's a difference of opinion, I instinctively think I did something wrong. Only recently I started standing up for myself more. That is because society is slowly changing. There's more attention for diversity of all kinds: colour, gender, biological sex. We as intersex people fight for our human rights. That makes me feel good.

Showering with the boys

I remember showering in secondary school for the first time. I had never seen a penis before and obviously I immediately noticed how different mine was. Then I knew: I'm not a boy. And: people can never, ever see me naked. The remainder of my puberty was mainly about hiding myself. I was always the first or the last one to sneak into the shower, turn myself away from the others and wrap myself in a towel, or whatever. I never got caught. But it did burn me out.

Burnout

When I was 17, I broke down completely during a youth camp. My parents thought I was homesick. In hindsight, I do think that's odd. Imagine having a son who doesn't have a notable penis, who plays with girl toys his entire childhood, doesn't go through puberty and looks like a 12-year-old girl at the age of 17. You would have him checked out, wouldn't you? My parents didn't. We didn't talk about it. They didn't ask me how I felt about it. They just left me to it.

I wanted to be normal

My sister got me help at the right time and I ended up at the doctors. After an appointment with a psychologist, I was advised to start taking male hormones. This was probably because I was registered as a boy, I had a boy's name and I didn't clearly state that I wanted to be a girl. Honestly: turning into a man was not at all what I wanted. My lack of sex hormones meant that I was still a child, mentally. A child that was pretty content with its imperfect body, but that wanted to be normal above all. I wanted to belong, that was all.

Male hormones

This male hormone therapy was a grave mistake. I changed a lot: I grew tremendously and got a low-pitched voice. It's all-decisive and irreversible. I quit after half a year, then I spent years living in some sort of no man's land. It took me until the age of 45 until I stopped thinking about it every single day. Eventually, through surgery and female hormones, I got a female body.

Forgiveness

I don't blame my parents. It was difficult back then. They didn't get any support from the hospital. On her deathbed, my mother told one of my younger sisters: 'I'm glad Ella turned out fine'. I think it's tragic that she'd been remorseful her entire life, but didn't share any of her feelings with me. She could have said something like: 'My dear, I'm so glad you've made it'. Because in the end, I did make it.

I am normal

I don't pity myself. I used to do so. I blamed intersex for the misery in my life. But that wasn't right. Every person goes through bad circumstances in their life. Through the years, I learned that I'm in fact pretty normal. Even though my past was atypical, I have the same needs as everyone else. That's the most important thing people should know about me.

I've known that I'm an intersex person my entire life. To me, this means that I'm a boy and a girl at the same time. It's normal to me, I'm just like this. Many children like me have surgery when they're little, so they become either a boy or a girl. This didn't happen to me, my parents want me to choose myself. Maybe I don't want to choose at all and just stay the way I am. I feel a bit more like a girl than a boy, about 1 percent. Some people don't believe me when I say I'm both a boy and a girl at the same time. My teacher said I couldn't give a presentation about intersex people. She thought it wasn't an appropriate topic for children. This, while the aim of these kinds of presentations is all about explaining and talking about certain topics. I participated in a documentary, Girlsboysmix (Meisjesjongensmix). And I was on Jeugdjournaal, a Dutch news programme for children. I want everyone in the world to know what intersex means. I want it to be as normal as, for example, being gay or lesbian. Then the topic is well known, I will never have to explain it ever again.

Disorder

I've only called myself intersex for a few years now. Before, I called it 'my disorder', or 'that thing I have'. Something about me was wrong. That's what I was told and what I experienced. I thought intersex was a stupid word that didn't describe me.

Don't talk about it

At the age of 16, I got diagnosed with AIS, Androgen insensitivity syndrome. The doctor immediately told me to not share this with other people, because they could use my diagnosis against me. This confused me. I started having thoughts like: maybe I was a bad person in a past life. I developed a deep feeling of shame.

Impact

Puberty is a phase in which you develop yourself and try to find out who you are, while comparing yourself to your peers. I interpreted my diagnosis as something being biologically wrong with me. It was a huge slap in the face and it had a big influence on how my self-image developed. I was a girl and I felt like one. I dressed and behaved in a feminine way. At the same time, I knew I was built differently. I have XY chromosomes, which usually occurs in men. I found it hard to deal with that contradiction. It's played a key role in my life. It's caused massive insecurity and difficult times in my life.

Looking to the future

When I was 24 years old, I was completely done with this insecurity. I just wanted to live! Wasn't I way more than just an incomplete body that didn't meet a certain standard? I chose to have the underdeveloped testes in my abdominal cavity removed. I was told I could develop testicular cancer and I didn't want that sword of Damocles hanging over me anymore. My body had already caused me so much trouble, what if it made me ill as well? I wanted to prevent that.

Surgery

I made an appointment with a gynaecologist and underwent surgery within a few weeks. He assured me I made the right decision. It seemed like a routine job and I was sent home with hormone medication. My mother hated it. She had always refused to let me have surgery. Why operate on a healthy body and mess up the hormonal system? These underdeveloped testes do produce sex hormones, so having them removed disturbs the natural balance. This indeed happened to me: after the surgery, I went through menopause, which resulted in me suffering from fatigue and menopausal problems. In my opinion, people should be advised and guided better when it comes to these kinds of drastic decisions, but this didn't happen to me.

Eye opener

After the surgery, I left the entire condition behind me. Or so I thought. But that's not how things work. You can try to keep a ball under water, but it will float up again. I went to different kinds of therapy, but I still struggled to accept myself. Reading an interview online with someone who was going through the same situation was a tipping point. She called herself intersex. To her, intersex was not a disorder, but a variation in biological sex. This was a huge eye opener for me. Before, I saw two options: male and female. I was a woman, but built incorrectly. Suddenly I realised: I'm intersex and my body is just fine! It finally clicked: if I embrace being intersex instead of seeing myself as an incomplete woman who needs to be accepted, I can just be who I am. Isn't that just... good?

Binary system

That interview made me see that thinking in a binary system with 'man' and 'woman' as the only options isn't right. It just doesn't work like that for everyone. Variation in biological sex happens everywhere in nature, in plants and animals, so in humans it happens as well. The binary system that humans constructed just doesn't do it any justice. This realisation made my internal struggle disappear. I could finally embrace my body as something natural and normal. A force of nature instead of a natural disaster. Apart from being an intersex person, I'm a woman as well. Woman and intersex, these identities can coexist just fine.

Family

My mother has a sister who's intersex. When my aunt was a child, it wasn't clear whether she was a boy or a girl. In my case, there's no doubt about my biological sex, even though I look different from other men. Because my mother witnessed how my aunt suffered, she dealt with me in an open and light-hearted way.

Ballet

As a child, people knew me as a boy who liked to play with dolls and do arts and crafts. For Christmas, I got a bed for my doll. My grandpa made it for me. My mother always told me: 'Just be yourself.' When my brothers started playing football, my mother suggested that ballet might be my thing. She was right: I did classical ballet until the age of 12.

Rejected by my father

My father dealt with it differently. A boy doing ballet? That wasn't his cup of tea. My parents were divorced, but he clearly disapproved of me. In his opinion, I had to act 'normal'. Otherwise people would talk. His attitude did more harm than being different.

Crazy about kids

When I was a kid, I didn't know the word intersex. People didn't use that word. I did go to the hospital for check ups quite often and when I was 10 years old, a doctor told me I wouldn't be able to have children. At the time, I was always around small children. I realised pretty well what infertility meant for me. I had to cry and I still remember my mother saying: 'There are other ways to have children.' I ended up not having children anyway and I'm fine with that.

(Not) a girl

A while ago, I saw a video of myself when I was 11 years old, doing tricks with a friend. Afterwards, I called my mother, crying, and told her: 'I was a girl all along'. This brought up a childhood memory of a talk about hormones in the hospital. The doctor wanted to talk to my mother first, separately. It felt like three hours. This made me scared. What if something was terribly wrong? I was bawling my eyes out. When they returned I was asked if I would prefer to be a girl. My 'no' was very convincing. No way! Imagine what my father would think! I'm still sad about not being able to be myself back then. Anyway, I feel fine with my body now. I don't really care about what I am. As a man, you can do things that are stereotypically feminine, and vice versa.

Puberty

During puberty, I was occupied with finding out who or what I was. I suddenly realised I was vulnerable to exclusion, because I didn't live up to other people's standards. I liked swimming and doing sports, but I hated changing clothes in the dressing room. So I came up with many excuses to skip sports: forgot my bag, missed the bus. Nowadays when I go swimming, I still wonder if people notice. That will never go away.

Taboo

In our society, there's a taboo on having a small penis. You hear insults and jokes about it on TV, radio and online. These comments hurt the people they are about. However, I do make those jokes myself as well. Like at work. I'll say: 'Well, who am I? My opinion doesn't matter, my penis is too small.' Self-mockery gets you pretty far. Meanwhile, the insecurity doesn't go away. It has spread all through my being, my body, everything I am. It takes power over you.

Done with it

How can I appear to be so strong and happy? Hah! These are sides of me as well. In the last few years, they've come to the surface. Around the age of 40, I was done with it. I got rid of all the negative opinions I had about myself. I simply refused to believe them anymore. No, I'm not a loser. No, I'm not a chicken. No, I'm not a... you name it. No! My mindset completely switched. I went to therapy. I'm doing very well now.

Boy or girl

After I was born, my mom immediately noticed that I was a girl. However, the doctors had their doubts. Multiple medical tests followed, and it eventually turned out that I've got Androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS). I have XY chromosomes. However, I am insensitive to testosterone and do not have fallopian tubes and a uterus.

Another life

My parents were told not to say a word to anyone. But luckily, within our household, we could talk about it and they would answer all of my questions. When I was still a kid, they already told me I couldn't have children. I'll never forget the moment I realised my life would be very different from my mom's. I was eleven years old, sitting on the couch and it suddenly felt like a wall had collapsed right on my head. I decided to actively look for another way of life and from that moment on immersed myself in exploring college majors.

Biology class

From that age on, I had the feeling something was wrong with me. I often had doctor's appointments, so apparently, I was not okay. In the hospital they told me that, whenever an exam question about chromosomes would occur, it would be best to write down an answer that correlated with whatever was written in our biology textbooks. This meant writing down that females have two X chromosomes and males have XY chromosomes. I didn't even dare asking my biology teacher if there are any females like me, who have XY chromosomes.

Disorder or diversity??

When I was 14 years old, I joined a patient organisation. I saw so many women there, and they all looked different. One of them was really tall, another one was quite short. There was someone who had a little more body weight, and there was someone in a wheelchair. At that moment, I realised that people can't see from the outside that I'm different. It's not like I have something written on my forehead telling people that I'm weird. I saw myself as a patient, as someone with a disorder. Later on, I got in touch with the NNID, the Dutch organisation that fights for intersex rights. Because of them, I looked at the situation from a different perspective. They told me that biological sex development comes in many ways and that society just has to deal with it, whether they like it or not. I learnt that it's better to focus on how I feel - a woman - than to focus on what society thinks a woman should be like.

Challenge

I didn't confide in anyone until I was 30 years old or so. I told my boyfriends as little as possible. Two boys broke up with me because I can't have kids. It wasn't until one time, a partner kept on asking questions, and I explained everything to him. I thought he was going to run away out of fear, but he didn't. Hence, my self esteem grew which led to me talking about it more often. However, the feeling of being not good enough still runs very deep, as I'm often struggling with it. I have learnt to deal with it, but it's still a challenge.

Experiencing pain as a baby

I'm still furious about what happened to me as a ninemonth-old baby. I had surgery to remove tissue that wasn't clearly male or female. It probably wasn't even necessary, and because of this, I have to take hormone pills for the rest of my life. At that time, people thought that babies didn't feel any pain, so it's very likely that the surgery was done without anaesthesia. My parents told me that I was slamming my head to the bedpost, because of the unbearable pain. Later on, I realised that feeling this extreme pain caused a trauma and I still feel a lot of anger. Thankfully, EMDR therapy has brought me peace and healing.

The benefits of being intersex

Until I was around 25 years old, I had a hard time accepting that I couldn't have kids. But once I accepted it, I realised it had many advantages. I got the opportunity to work in countless countries all over the world, and I'm living a very adventurous life. That's something that I couldn't have done (or at least not for a very long time) if I would have become a mom. My colleagues started reevaluating their lives when they were around 35 years old. They had to think about whether they would like to continue living their adventurous life, or start a family, since they knew that they couldn't have both. I didn't have that ticking biological clock, which I absolutely loved. I could just continue building my career, and I'm still enjoying it very much.

The endless maze of medical examinations

Nele (34, psychologist): During my pregnancy, there were doubts whether Martha was a boy or a girl. It didn't really matter to us, but the gynaecologist seemed worried. After inspecting my abdomen for a long time, he called his wife who is a doctor as well, and started flipping through some books. This made me think that there was definitely something out of the ordinary going on. From that moment on, the endless maze of medical examinations began. We learnt that Martha is intersex and infertile. We had never heard of intersex before. Our gynaecologist was mostly talking about all the potential problems. He said: 'In her puberty it may become a heavy psychological burden for her'. He definitely wasn't telling us a neutral story about being male, female or intersex. He also didn't tell us that people can perfectly live with it and that it's not an illness or a disease.

Black and white

Our gynaecologist also mentioned the word 'abortion', which led us into a difficult time. My partner Jakob and I had different points of view about abortion and we were both processing the news differently. I did consider abortion because I felt guilty towards my child: she would never be able to experience being pregnant. But the genetic research to determine Martha's exact condition took a long time, and week after week, it became clearer how much I wanted this little child. Jakob and I had many conversations and tried to meet each other halfway, but regardless, the decision was black and white: keeping the child or opting for an abortion. At some point Jakob said: 'I am asking a lot more from you to not let this child be born than to become a father to this child'. Him saying this lifted a huge weight off my shoulders. From that moment on, I started looking forward to having my child.

Experts

When the last test results came through, abortion wasn't even an option anymore, since I was already 26 weeks pregnant. I look back at a stressful time that could have been avoided if we were informed correctly from the start. By now, Jakob and I have become experts on anything that has to do with intersex, gender and diversity. The information we found on the internet has reassured us greatly. We also learnt that many women like Martha seem to be very happy women with a normal life, relationships and nice jobs. I just thought: what's actually the problem?

Other parents' stories

What I missed back then, and actually still miss, is hearing stories from other parents with an intersex child. Those parents are hard to find. I often wonder how they are dealing with it, but there's something keeping me from contacting them. The thought of hearing other parents' stories kind of frightens me. I have found a way to cope with everything, and it seems to be okay for now. But what if that will change when I hear the stories of other parents?

One day..

Look, she's still a toddler and she's always happy, but I'm well aware that it won't always be like this. One day, I will have to tell her that she will never be able to have biological children, which scares me. I write down my thoughts and emotions in a journal I have been keeping. This helps me to collect my thoughts and figure things out. For instance, one important realisation I would like to share with other parents is that there are various emotions involved, such as fear, guilt, sadness and grief. Those emotions have absolutely nothing to do with the love you feel for your child and they can perfectly coexist.

Openness about LGBTQIA+

I am happy with the evolution that LGBTQIA+ is going through, and the openness with which it is now being discussed in many places. This will positively affect our child, but for now we still choose to not inform the school Martha attends. I feel very strongly that I have to protect her privacy, and that's also why we'd like to wait until she can tell us herself what to share and what not to share with others. This is our approach. So for now, we've decided to take on a protective role. You always have to look for a balance. It shouldn't necessarily be a secret but we still have to protect her privacy.

I am a man

I don't identify as an intersex person. I am a man who has Klinefelter syndrome. And Klinefelter syndrome is part of the intersex umbrella. There has never been a day that I have felt like a woman. My viewpoint of having Klinefelter syndrome is pointed towards it being a disorder. That's because it bothers me a lot and it's something most men don't have. I have to inject testosterone once every three months, and I have to deal with the side effects. For example, I go through the roof quite easily.

Health issues

Ever since I was little, I have suffered from my knees, achilles tendons and muscles. There was always something not quite right. I had so many doctor's appointments, but they just couldn't find out what was wrong. Ultimately, a doctor decided to run a DNA test. When I was 17 years old, it became clear that I have Klinefelter syndrome. This also includes that I don't have XY chromosomes like other men, but XXY chromosomes. I have received an extra X chromosome.

Desire to have children

At the hospital, they immediately told me that I would probably be infertile. I didn't take that very well. I stormed out of the room and burst into tears. Then I went to the balcony to get some fresh air and to blow off some steam. On the one hand, I was glad that they finally found an explanation. But on the other hand, I was devastated because my lifelong dream of having children was shattered. Back then, I didn't care a lot about the consequences of having Klinefelter syndrome. However, knowing I was infertile had the greatest impact.

Clarity at last

The diagnosis finally explained my physical complaints, forgetfulness, angry outbursts and the difficulty I have judging other people's emotions. I suddenly understood why I was unable to keep up at school and why I was bullied all the time. When the other kids started going through puberty, I stayed a child, both mentally and physically. I regret not being examined earlier, because I think it would've been so much better for me to have more efficient guidance and adequate treatment when I was younger.

Talking openly about Klinefelter syndrome

I'm honest about what I have. When I apply for jobs, I always mention that I have health issues and where they come from. In 2018, during the Utrecht Canal Pride, which was shortly after I had been diagnosed, there was a boat with all kinds of intersex people and I thought: what the hell, why not, I'm joining them. In the hospital, they told me to keep it to myself, but I never listened to that advice. Everyone is different and if I want to talk about it, I should be allowed to do so. It may have been taboo in the past. But now, we're living in a modern world, so I think we all should be able to talk about it.

Relationship

People never reacted in a negative way. If I tell people I have XXY chromosomes, they're even thrilled! They say things like: 'That's so special, we didn't know that existed.' Rather strange, because Klinefelter syndrome affects 1 in 600 men, which is quite a lot. When I got into a relationship, I immediately put it on the table. He said: 'How nice of you to tell me.' When I'm not feeling well, he knows exactly what's going on and why. His parents were also glad that I informed them about my situation. They're always there for me when I need them. If things are not going well at home, I usually go to their house and they always give me a warm welcome.

Being a dad

I think it would be great to bring a child into the world and to bring it up the way I was raised myself. When the doctors told me I was infertile, something inside of me just snapped. But after some time, I regained hope when it turned out that in some cases, it is possible to remove living sperm cells from men with Klinefelter syndrome. I didn't hesitate for a second and I immediately scheduled a surgery appointment. The surgery was very painful, but now there's something in the freezer. Ever since that happened, I look into a brighter future with more opportunities. For me, being able to become a dad after all, makes the world a much better place.

Pseudonym

I performed in a play about intersex. It is called X Y WE, created by Marleen Hendrickx, who's also an intersex person. However, I didn't perform under my real name. At first, I also didn't want my real name to be mentioned in this interview either, so I wanted to use a pseudonym with an anonymous photograph. Although I value being open and honest about intersex, I couldn't do this myself. Nevertheless, I decided at the very last minute to use my real name and to have a reshoot of the picture. Fully recognizable. The die has been cast. It was now or never.

Disgrace

When we were teenagers, my sister and I were told we couldn't have kids. My mom wouldn't let us talk about being infertile, as it was considered a disgrace. One day her sister's engagement had been broken off when her partner found out that she was infertile. And my mum was afraid I would become a lesbian because no man would want to marry me. She was just trying to protect us. In 120 years' time, nine women have been infertile in our family.

Champagne

Having to keep this a secret took its toll on me. And if I in fact did talk about the subject with my friends, I would always feel incredibly guilty. Because I had so many questions, I felt the need to talk about it. Not only about infertility, but also about femininity. I looked like a boy: tall, slim and my boobs were like little plums. I wanted to know how I should behave as a woman and how I should approach boys. As a teenager, I fell in love with my Dutch language teacher, and I decided to confide in him. I told him that I didn't get my period and that I couldn't have kids. 'God damn it', he said to me. That acknowledgement, the fact that someone finally validated my feelings was so important to me that, years later, I tracked him down and brought him a bottle of champagne.

Recognition

When I was 40 years old, I read an interview with gynaecologist Eylard van Hall in the Dutch newspaper the Volkskrant. He was talking about women with testicular feminization syndrome, now referred to as Androgen insensitivity syndrome (AIS). He described the symptoms: being infertile, not getting your period, having inguinal hernias, not having a sweaty body odour, and not having a uterus and body hair. I recognized myself. For the first time, it had a name.

Feminine

People with AIS have testes that are not fully developed. Mine have been removed, because the doctors feared an increased risk of testicular cancer. Looking back, this probably wasn't necessary. Because the testes produce hormones, you need replacement therapy if they are removed. When they told me I had testes, I was very shocked. I tried so hard to be and remain as feminine as I could. Back then, it was a popular fashion trend for women to wear tailored jackets made for men, so I immediately stopped wearing those. I've had years of therapy in order to learn how to accept myself.

The younger generation

I often speak to young intersex people. Being intersex is hard on them as well, because not many people are aware that intersex exists. Fortunately, some intersex people have the courage to be open and honest about it, which is extremely important. Our society needs to stop dividing people into the two categories of men and women. There are all kinds of variations of sex characteristics, as 1 in 90 people has a body that isn't particularly one kind or another. If I would have grown up knowing everything I now know about intersex, my life would've been so much easier. I sadly didn't know anything about it until I was about 40 years old.

The 'I' in LGBTQIA+

The 'I' in LGBTQIA+ is for 'intersex', but I disagree with this concept. After everything I've been through, being intersex feels like a disorder. All the other characters don't represent such a thing. However, my partner thinks the 'I' actually does belong in the acronym. He told me: 'All of you have to deal with the stigma and taboo regarding this subject. You're all fighting the same battle to be accepted.'

Relationships

My mother's fears that I wouldn't be able to find a husband turned out to be unfounded. I did get married and after my husband died, I've had other relationships as well. After sleeping with someone for the first time, I always tell them everything about my situation. It has never been a problem for any man who came into my life. My current partner calls me a work of art. However, I suffered a lot from not being able to have children, but I refuse to pity myself. I am curious and inquisitive by nature. And as an artist, childlessness was also an important source for my work, with which I have touched many people. I consider myself fortunate for that.

Discovery

Renate (37, community nurse): When Kaitlyn was two weeks old, a small lump developed in her groin. As a nurse myself, I knew that it wasn't a normal inguinal hernia, so I quickly figured that it might be a testicle. Not that I had learned about this during my studies; we were only informed about the binary gender. However, I had heard about intersex before from my colleagues. Some of them had worked in the homes of families in which an intersex child was born. So, when I discovered this lump in her groin, I did everything I could to schedule an appointment as soon as possible with a doctor in a specialised hospital. That took a week, which I found nerve-racking. It's about your own child, so you really want to know what is going on! During our appointment, we finally learnt that Kaitlyn is intersex.

Trust

Egbert (38, glass cutter): To me, it's pretty simple. Kaitlyn is my child and she is who she is. It really doesn't matter to me whether someone is a boy, a girl, intersex, gay or a lesbian. So, I'm not worried about any future problems. What's the point of worrying? We will deal with those problems later in our life, and who knows, maybe everything will just be alright. When I heard about Kaitlyn being intersex, the only thought that went through my head was that I won't become a grandfather in a natural way, which is a pity. Other than that I try to think positively.

Worries

Renate: When I first heard about it, I was concerned. What bothered me the most was that Kaitlyn can't have children. I also had many questions about her future, such as: how will others react? What will her puberty look like? How will her body develop? What about sharing intimacy with others in the future? I was desperate to know the answers to my questions. How should we as her parents guide her? What are the recent developments regarding womb transplantations? Of course, I don't know yet whether Kaitlyn would like to have children when she gets older. However, my maternal instinct is pushing me to prepare myself for the future and find out about all the options available for my daughter.

Talking openly

Egbert: We have never kept it a secret that Kaitlyn is intersex. You just can't keep such a thing secret. We live in a small town, which means that if one person knows about something, everyone will eventually know. Our family is very close, so we immediately told them. They've shown us a lot of support. I've never feared that people wouldn't accept Kaitlyn. There is always a possibility of that happening, but if people don't accept it, they can leave. Our seven-year-old son Jayden knows that Kaitlyn doesn't have that 'balloon' in her belly in which children normally grow. But Kaitlyn is still very young, and she will grow up with the same information. We want to make sure that she knows about herself right away, rather than her being bombarded with information during puberty. We will also let her school know, so when the pupils are taught about having children and being a daddy or a mommy, they will not forget about intersex people.

Support

Renate: We get a lot of support from the professor of the Radboud hospital. I can always contact her and ask her about anything I would like to know. She also referred me to a Dutch peer support group, called DSD Nederland. I got in touch with adult intersex people who had such nice jobs, relationships and hobbies. Hearing their stories offered me great comfort, because I truly feel less worried now. Kaitlyn is a child who's always happy and active. She stands up for herself, and she is just like any other kid, with the same opportunities as everyone else. Some members of the DSD support group were surprised to know that we talk about it with such ease. If Kaitlyn ever were to admit that she would rather keep everything quiet, we will respect that. As for now, we'll speak openly about it, because that's who we are and what we stand for.

Playing together

Egbert: We would like to get in touch with other parents like ourselves. All the activities organised by DSD are for children aged around 12, which is a pity. So it would be great if Kaitlyn could play with other intersex children, because when they get older, they can share their experiences and support each other. I really do believe that this would be nice for both intersex children and their parents.

My natural shape

Immediately after I was born, I had surgery to remove my male glands. They would have posed a risk of cancer and during puberty, they would cause muscle growth and a low-pitched voice. This would eventually mean that I would become a man with a vagina, which is a taboo. So, the doctors thought: she looks like a girl from the outside, so let's raise her as a girl and let her take female hormones during puberty to grow breasts and hips. They figured I would fit better in society. But it all turned out to be a huge mistake. I would rather have had regular checkups for a potential disease like cancer instead of surgery to remove my underdeveloped testes. That way,I probably would have been able to grow up in my natural shape.

Keyhole surgery

I often went to the hospital as a child, where they measured my height and observed my vagina. Why? No one would tell me why. When I was thirteen, my mother told me that I don't have a uterus and that a keyhole surgery would be necessary to examine the depth of my vagina. Upon arriving at the hospital, a whole team of doctors was waiting for me. I was informed that in case it was discovered during the keyhole surgery that my vagina was not large enough, they would need to remove a part of my intestine to extend it. That turned out to be unnecessary, but they didn't provide me any information about why I didn't have a uterus and why I didn't menstruate.

Shame

When I was around twenty years old, I wanted to know what was going on with me. A medical psychologist told me that I had a form of hermaphroditism - how I hated that word back then. I was taken aback by hearing the news. I thought: I'm basically a sort of man. It made me feel ashamed of myself. When I went to the hospital, I had a certain image of myself. That image turned out to be wrong, or at least, that's how I experienced it. That's when the negative self-talk started. The people around me didn't really notice. I was just living my life, making a lot of money as an IT worker. But because I had something that couldn't be talked about for 23 years, I didn't feel… human.

Feeling alienated

The negative thoughts were becoming stronger and stronger and even now, those thoughts sometimes come back. Despite me having completely accepted myself. Male, female, intersex or hermaphrodite, I really don't care anymore. But back then I felt alienated from everyone around me and it felt like I didn't fit in, no matter where or with whom I was. I was a beautiful young woman, but as soon as I heard other women talking to each other, I felt like an outsider. When I was around 30 years old, I fell into a depression.

Identity

Trying to find my identity has been a long journey. I first identified as a woman, but nowadays not anymore. Even though I was turned into a woman, which is the irony of it all. By receiving female hormones and by everyone telling you that you are a girl, while keeping the intersex story silent, you start developing feminine traits. Over the years, I had boyfriends. We even moved in together. But this was a result of learned behaviour that I developed during my youth. While as a kid, I was just being myself, later on I started adapting myself to society's expectations for women, which caused me to struggle. Because who are you really, what is your identity, when you have been so influenced by hormones and by the decision of doctors that you should be a girl?

What do I want?

It was only when I realised that the male aspect of myself had been artificially suppressed that the puzzle pieces fell into place. Since I have accepted the male aspect of myself, the masculine energy in me has awakened. Now, I'm at a point where I'm not trying to figure out whether I'm female or male, but where I focus on my personal development. Not so much 'who am I', but rather 'what do I want?'. And that is to lead a calm and chill life. To make choices based on my emotions rather than my rationality. I want to create music, develop my creativity, and work on the obstacles that hold me back, just like many other people working on themselves. Intersex is no longer an issue for me now.

Bullied

Softy, little girl, faggot, chick. Some words I've heard throughout my whole childhood, as I got bullied. From a very young age, I knew I was into men. I also have some feminine traits like a high-pitched voice, barely any body hair and a gentle character. I couldn't stand up for myself. During P.E. classes, I was the one who always got picked last. Nobody wanted to play or work with me. I felt incredibly lonely. If you're humiliated and criticised day after day, eventually, you'll start to believe that you're not worth it.

Hips

At the age of 13, the doctor at school told me that my testicles were too small. He told me that I'm infertile. I didn't mind him saying that, because I didn't want to have kids anyway. However, I do mind that the doctor didn't run any more tests on me at the time. If they would have discovered much earlier that I have Klinefelter syndrome, the doctor could've given me the support I actually needed. If he would have given me some testosterone when I was younger, my body might have developed in a more masculine way. My puberty probably would've looked very different.

Miss

People with Klinefelter syndrome have an extra X chromosome. The symptoms are different for everyone. For example, I've got wider hips and less muscle mass. They used to call me 'Miss'. Every now and then, that still happens. But it doesn't matter to me anymore: I've accepted myself for who I am. But I used to hate it back then, because it brought me back to all of the bullying I had experienced as a child.

Fantasy world

To get through all of it, I used to escape from reality by hiding away in my own fantasy world as a child. I imagined being the strong leader of the G-Force team from the anime series Battle of the Planets and this way, I experienced all kinds of adventures. I imagined myself being someone who was super strong and I was able to do everything that I couldn't do in real life. That was a coping strategy that truly saved me. If it wasn't for creating that safe place, I probably wouldn't even have reached my twenties. Later on, this fantasy world gradually turned into my real world, until I couldn't separate both worlds anymore. By that time, I was about 34 years old and I knew this couldn't go on any longer, it just had to stop. To say my farewell to the fantasy world, I pretended I was in a big spaceship that got smashed into pieces because it crashed into another planet. Visualising this scenario helped me to get back to reality.

Intersex

It was also during this time that I received the diagnosis. I was glad, because suddenly everything fell into place. Finally, there was an explanation for everything I experienced, for example, how vulnerable and easily influenced I am. These could be symptoms of the syndrome. That was a huge relief. I started to dedicate myself to the Nederlandse Klinefelter Vereniging (NKV), the Dutch Klinefelter's Syndrome Association. Later, when I was at an event for Klinefelter people, I met some people from the NNID, the Netherlands organisation for biological sex diversity. They stand up for the human rights of intersex people. I actually had never heard of the term intersex before. No one ever told me that there's so much diversity in sex development and that Klinefelter syndrome is part of that. That year, for the first time ever during the Utrecht Canal Pride, the NNID organised a boat dedicated to intersex people. I immediately signed up to join that boat.

Cheered on

The 2018 Canal Pride was something I'll never forget. We were on a crowded boat with music, flags and a confetti machine. Everyone was wearing yellow clothes. We were holding up signs with protest slogans. The quays were packed with people cheering for us. At that very moment, we were the ones who were at the centre of attention, moreover, we were even cheered on. That's something only few intersex people have experienced in their lives. It wasn't a big step for me to come out in public, but I know other intersex people found it very scary to do so. But, we did it all together and being able to feel that deep connection with each other was just amazing.

Acceptance

Until I was 35 years old or so, my life was very hard. I never want to repeat my childhood, ever. Later in my life, I got stuck in a destructive relationship. I had very low self esteem, which made me the perfect victim. It took a very long time to get rid of that toxic relationship and to finally accept myself for who I truly am. But still, I managed to do it, and I am happy now. To me, happiness is about being free to do whatever I like. Now, I'm able to leave the past behind and look forward to the future. I'm grateful for my parents and my amazing sister. They have always supported me. I have lots of great friends and I'm a volunteer at the COC (Center for Culture and Leisure, a Dutch LGBTQIA+ rights group) and the NKV. The bullies of the past didn't break me.

Kitty Queerboot

'How cool!', people exclaimed when I wore a T-shirt with the text 'I am Intersex' during a Canal Pride event in Utrecht in 2017. Even outside the LGBTQIA+ bubble, everyone responded positively. It was a huge relief. Within that same year, Dutch actor and artist Raven van Dorst released the first episode of their series Geslacht! which is about how biological sex plays a role in Dutch society. Ever since they came out as intersex, there has been a lot more attention for being intersex. It was definitely a turning point.

Job

My coming out got me a job at NNID (a Dutch organisation for biological sex diversity). My job was to support intersex people from all over the world reporting complaints about human rights violations to the United Nations (UN). I loved this job. Based on recommendations by the UN, legislation has been enacted in multiple countries to improve the protection of intersex people's rights.

Secret

When I was seventeen, I found out that I was intersex. I underwent a very painful and, at that time, unnecessary surgery. I wasn't allowed to talk about it, because nobody would want to have anything to do with me. So, I kept the secret to myself instead of telling the people I loved. They, however, always told me personal things, but I could never do that. This created a certain distance between me and them, and I also struggled with it in relationships. It took a very long time to confide in people I loved.

The United Nations

The United Nations claim that medically unnecessary surgeries or hormone treatments on young children without their consent is a serious violation of human rights. This statement was already made back in 2015. In 2018, the UN urged the Netherlands to put an end to these surgeries and treatments, which the UN had to repeat in 2022. They have a very clear point of view: intersex children should have the right to decide over their own bodies. Parents are responsible for the care of their child, which also includes medical care. However, parents should not decide everything in their child's life.

Parent's role

If a child is born intersex, their parents often make decisions based on the limited amount of information they have. Parents completely depend on just one or more doctors, and on top of that, they are sometimes still in shock after finding out their child is intersex. I truly believe that for some children, parents will make the right decision when it comes to choosing their child's gender. However, it's just impossible to predict in advance whether the child will be happy with that decision or not. In some cases, the right gender was chosen, but later in that child's life, it can be unhappy about not having had a say in that decision.

Activism

I have always had a strong moral character. I think it's important to act with integrity. However, speaking my mind hasn't always been easy since I couldn't express my true self. When you're keeping everything about being intersex a secret, this is what happens. Eight years ago, I became vegan because I didn't want to contribute to the suffering of innocent animals. Other than that, I now also want to help reduce human suffering. After I could finally be my true self, I also dared to speak my mind as an activist. My activism helped improve my coping strategies, since I was now able to stand up for my own rights. One of my jobs is also to make the world a better and happier place, which is a slow and difficult process, but that doesn't stop me from dedicating myself to doing so. It's worth all the time and effort spent.

Growing intersex visibility

In these past five years, intersex has become more visible than ever. During the Canal Pride in 2017, where it all started for me, I believe I was the only visible intersex person. However, when I participated again during the Canal Pride in 2022, to my surprise, I saw some intersex flags on the quay. And the boat I was on was packed with intersex people. Nowadays there are theatre plays and documentaries about being intersex. It's obvious that the visibility is growing and that our human rights are being taken more seriously. The majority of the votes in the Dutch parliament are in favour of a ban on unnecessary surgical procedures on young intersex children, which I never could have imagined five years ago. So much has happened in such a short period of time.

Civil registration

When my father went to register my birth at the municipality, the registrar asked him whether I was a boy or a girl. 'We don't know', my dad said. But he was obliged to choose and thought I would have more successful career opportunities being a man. Besides, he already had two daughters.

Happy youth

My youth was the best time of my life. I grew up in a small village in Limburg. My parents loved me unconditionally and they accepted me for who I was. I was the third kid. It was a home birth, and there wasn't a doctor involved. My parents both grew up on a farm and often, freemartins were born. Those animals were neither male nor female, they were both. Thus, my parents weren't quite as surprised when they had me.

God doesn't make mistakes

According to the medical protocol back then, children like me should have surgery to become either a boy or a girl. As for myself, I never had that surgery. My father knew the bishop personally and said: 'Everything created by God is good, because God doesn't make mistakes.' In our family, little emphasis was placed on gender or biological sex. My father just loved buying us all kinds of toys, and he didn't care whether those were made for boys or girls.

Angel

I didn't know I was different until I started going to school around the age of six. Kids at school asked me: 'So, what are you? Are you a boy or a girl?' When I asked my mom about it, she told me: 'You're an angel.' And with that answer I went back to school. My father made me do many sports, and I became really strong. So, whenever kids were bothering me, I would beat them up. Hence, they considered me a rather annoying angel, nonetheless I also gained their respect. This was how I survived at school.

Decent lover

In secondary school, I began to behave more and more manly. My parents encouraged that behaviour as well. I was playing water polo which made my muscles grow immensely. Because I was a gentle person, my father recommended that I become a nurse. During the nursing course, people accepted me for who I was. I even had many girlfriends I would also sleep with. They didn't mind the fact that I had small genitals. I knew how to please and satisfy my girlfriends in other ways and I was well-known for being really good at it.

Family

I really wanted to have a family of my own. Hence, I got married and at 23 years of age I became the father of a boy. I was truly happy and proud, but along the way I discovered I preferred being a mom over being a dad. After this realisation, I went to India to find my true identity. There, I talked to gurus and after a while I discovered that I wanted to live as a woman. When I came back to the Netherlands, I started my transitioning period. At the time, being sterilised was mandatory, which was such a dumb rule. The state has actually recently apologised to trans people for this. After completing my transition, it wasn't possible for me to have more biological kids.

Court case

I had lived as a woman for seventeen years, but over time it turned out that being a woman didn't make me happy either. In society we know only men and women, and this had forced me to choose. Along the way, I discovered my gender was right in the middle. Legally this was not an option at that time. So, I started a court case to get an X - sex unknown - in my passport and on my birth certificate. In 2017, the judge decided to accept my demand. He too was convinced it was about time to legally acknowledge biological sex diversity. I happened to be the first person in the Netherlands and it got worldwide attention.

Grandy

My son now has two kids of his own. He still sees me as his dad, but after the birth of his first child, he asked how I would like to be called: grandpa or granny. It became a mix of the two titles: 'grandy'. I really loved that my grandkids use this word. As a result of society's pressure, I was always forced to choose between being a man or a woman. But since I'm both, I simply can't just choose between the two of them. I have to cherish both sides. And I'm able to do this by being a grandy to my grandkids.

Breasts

When I was only three years old, some of my relatives noticed that I didn't develop like a regular boy, I didn't want to be a police officer or a cowboy, but a princess. My parents didn't accept my girly behaviour and I myself couldn't give it a label yet. I didn't understand what I felt and how things worked. Only when I went through puberty, it became visible that I am an intersex person. Instead of facial hair growth and developing a low-pitched voice, I developed feminine breasts. P.E. class became a nightmare, because: 'He has tits'. My childhood memories aren't very pleasant.

Father

Until four years ago, cus ago, I went through life with breasts, without knowing I even had them. Doctors told me I could have them removed, but I didn't want to do that. Somehow it felt like they suited me. Apart from having breasts, I presented as a man. I got married and became the biological dad of two children and the bonus dad of my ex-wife's son. I felt comfortable performing the tasks that were traditionally done by the wife - we are talking about 20 years ago. Like appointments at the child health clinic, taking the kids to and from daycare and school. I loved it and it fit me. I became a nail stylist. My whole life, there had been signals like these, that hinted I had a feminine side which I couldn't really put my finger on back then.

Discovery

When I was 47 years old, I discovered a lump in my breast. After an examination in the hospital, it turned out I am intersex. I have a partial uterus in my body, and more female than male hormones. Hearing this didn't really shock me. On the contrary; it felt quite good. I'm not a man, I'm an intersex person. I had my birth certificate changed from M: 'male' to X: 'sex can't be determined'. During this period, I changed my name, started wearing makeup and let my hair grow. I'd wanted to do that for a long time, but I never had the courage. But massa after I knew I am intersex, it felt like I finally had 'permission' to do what I wanted to do.

Father's Day

One day, my daughter said: 'You're still my daddy, but you're not a daddy, so I don't want to celebrate Father's Day anymore. I want to do something else.' She noticed it wasn't right anymore. I indeed started to feel more and more comfortable with my feminine traits. I replaced my wardrobe and told the intersex team at the hospital that I wanted to get rid of my male body traits. I'm currently on the waiting list for gender reassignment surgery.

Children

The fact that I turned out to be intersex and in fact more female than male, was a relief. It was hard on my kids, though. Sometimes we joke about X being nothing. You're not a woman and you're not a man. Hardly anyone knows what it is and the kids can't really explain it. Being an intersex person is, however, not a choice. It's a fact I can't deny. I would become depressed and unhealthy if I weren't going to transition. The statistics regarding depression and suicide in intersex people don't lie. I don't know how I would live without transitioning.

Happier

My friends tell me I look way happier. I like life itself way more now. Everything I like now appears to fit me. In the past, I got weird looks for being a male nail stylist and helping out at school as a father. But people finally understand. People find it easier to process that I'm a woman instead of a man, rather than me being intersex. Being a bit of both is hard to understand for people.

Different

When I was 36, I discovered that I am intersex. However, the realisation of being different came much earlier in my life. As a village child, after a day of frolicking outside, I often took baths with my brother and cousin. And when changing clothes during school swimming lessons, I saw my classmates naked. I observed their bodies and noticed: mine looks different. Children also made jokes about my crotch area. That hit me hard.

Loneliness

For me, puberty was a terrible time in my life. My classmates at the boys' school went out and went after women, but I had zero interest in that. I didn't like going out or drinking. Instead, I liked science and engineering. My father hated that. He didn't see me as a real man and thought that I was gay. My brother even called me a 'crooked little Peter' in front of his friends. I also didn't have any female friends, so my mother and sister accused me of being a misogynist. That was far from true. I'm straight and I love women. However, every trigger that had to do with attraction or arousal caused excruciating pain in my crotch area. And after seeing my first erections, I thought: oof. There was a big curve in my genitalia. I was embarrassed of myself, so I retreated into my own world. I couldn't turn to my parents with the questions I had.

Searching on the internet

Thanks to the internet, I discovered what I have: complex hypospadias. That means that I was born with a urethra that opens halfway along the penis and that my penis is abnormally curved. After learning about this condition, I eventually discovered through extensive research that it falls under the category of intersex. This discovery helped me a lot. It turned out that I wasn't the only one who dealt with this, and that made me feel less alone. After reaching out to others, I was able to openly talk about my experience and meet people who understood me. I became a part of a community. NNID, a Dutch organisation that fights for intersex human rights, has helped me a lot. Everything was gradually falling into place, which made me learn to accept myself for who I am. A massive weight was being lifted off my shoulders.

Rejection

If you don't live up to the expectations society has of men, you'll be rejected countless times. People won't necessarily reject you in a verbal way, but you can still feel the rejection. I really love music, so I sometimes go to pubs where there's nice music playing. Whenever I start a conversation, they ask me what I do in my daily life, which basically means: 'Who are you?' Because I have a chronic muscle and joint disorder, I don't have a paid job. I don't have a wife or any children. I don't own a big car, I rarely go out for dinner and I also don't go on holidays or go away for the weekend three times a year. People seem to lose their interest in me after hearing my story, because they know I'm different. So, I lead a socially isolated life. Or to be more precise, I survive…

Relationships

Being intersex is a livable condition, even though I have many physical complaints that can't go away. But what bothered me most was that, during my youth, I didn't receive information and no one could answer my questions. I have had two steady girlfriends. Both relationships ended, partly due to sexual issues. To me, it physically hurts being intimate, so I don't long for that. Women might feel rejected by that, which they won't always let you know in a gentle manner.

Cats

My cats make me very happy. I take care of them, they're my company. If my cats have been fighting, I take care of their wounds myself or I take them to the vet. Whenever I'm in the bathroom, one of my cats usually sneaks in. The moment I step out of the shower, he always wants to be held. When I hold him, he softly licks the drops of water around my neck and on my face. He only wants skin-to-skin contact and does not care about how I look - even when I'm naked. My cat doesn't judge me. He can be himself, and I can also be myself when I am around him. My cats are the only ones I share both social and physical contact with. They form the only life in and around my house.

Informing the teacher

Tanguy (27, entrepreneur): Mila just turned three and soon she'll go to school. Since she looks like a girl from the outside, we first tried keeping her being intersex a secret from her teacher for as long as possible. Nevertheless, we eventually informed the school about the situation. We are aware that intersex is very unknown and that most people still think the world consists of only men and women. We wanted to prevent any of this misinformation being passed on during class which could make Mila think like: 'Huh, what about me?' The teacher responded very positively when we discussed the topic. She promised to inform other teachers about it and she said she'd take it into account during class.

Surgery

Janis (26, entrepreneur): We always discuss the situation when Mila is around, so she'll grow up knowing that she is an intersex person. When she reaches puberty, she has to take hormone pills for her body to enter into puberty. The tissue that normally develops into ovaries or testicles and which stimulates the production of sex hormones during puberty, was surgically removed from her body. According to the doctors, not removing the tissue could cause cancer. Shortly before the surgery, they told us we could make the decision ourselves. But they also mentioned that it was important to remove the glands, and they told us that most parents would do the same.

Tanguy: I wasn't sure about the surgery on Mila. On the other hand, doctors were talking about a 30% or 50% chance of cancer development. The moment Janis heard about that, she got really scared and wanted them to perform surgery on Mila sooner rather than later. We got carried away and didn't think it through properly, because we ourselves didn't know what was best in this situation.

Puberty

Janis: It bothers me that she will have to take medication in the future. Nowadays, I wonder whether we should've let them perform surgery on Mila. I learned that some intersex people keep their glands, which leads to their body developing naturally during puberty.

Tanguy: I don't worry about that anymore. The surgery has been done and we can't turn back time. So for now, I just want to enjoy this stress-free time while she's still young.

Noninvasive prenatal testing (NIPT)

Janis: All I want to do is prepare myself and read about it as much as I can. So that I don't have to question myself later on whether I should or shouldn't have done something differently. This takes me back to all of the examinations that took place during my pregnancy, like, for example, noninvasive prenatal testing (NIPT). The test can identify birth defects and also the biological sex of a baby. According to NIPT Mila was a boy. But the ultrasound clearly showed us that Mila was a girl. To me, it didn't matter much whether Mila was going to be a boy or a girl. But after five months of pregnancy, an amniocentesis was recommended and then it turned out that the baby had male chromosomes, a vagina and a uterus. Still, I didn't worry about any of it. Doctors told us that, once Mila was born, they would perform a brain scan, take her blood and that they would perform surgery on her. To me, it felt like she had an illness that had to be treated, and that bothered me. I mean, she was healthy, right?

Abortion

Janis: When they announced during pregnancy that Mila was intersex, they basically explained to us that she would be born female, but that she would barely have any breast development later on in her life. I've got small breasts myself, so I thought: so what? Subsequently, they told us we could still abort her. I was truly appalled. Abort our baby just because it's hard to say whether the baby is going to be a boy or a girl? I thought: there isn't anything wrong with her, so what was the problem?

Tanguy: I feel like doctors are obliged to give the option to abort. Perhaps some people don't prefer having a kid that is a bit different. But there are already so many people on this planet who are intersex, and who are just living their lives like any other person, so what's all the fuss about?

A man or a woman?

Whenever people ask me whether I'm a man or a woman, I simply tell them: I'm Koen. Physically, I look like a man and I also behave like one, so I live up to the image that society has of men. But still, I'm just Koen. How should I know what being a 'man' or a 'woman' feels like? I've literally got no idea. I just know how Koen feels.

Getting to know myself

It all started after completing a medical examination in 1978, because I didn't have any kids even though I really wanted them. At the time, I'd never even heard about the word intersex and its meaning. They never mentioned nor discussed it in the hospital. Years later, when I volunteered for the Klinefelter's Syndrome Association, I realised that I belonged to this big group of people whose body doesn't match society's expectations.

Nickname

I've never been discriminated against or excluded from anything. I was a quiet kid. I wasn't really into doing any sports, and I struggled with making friends. But I wasn't the only kid with these problems. You could blame everything on intersex, but I honestly don't think that's the right approach. Even though I've got an intersex body, that doesn't automatically mean I'm an intersex person. Once again, I am just Koen. And Koen occasionally happens to have an extra X chromosome, which is fairly normal, because about 17,000 boys in the Netherlands were born with Klinefelter syndrome. So, I'm definitely not the only one. Because of this condition, I have some characteristics you could call feminine, like breasts and wider hips. People always call me: gay to be. Because apparently, I have feminine mannerisms. I just consider it to be a nickname.

A gift

The one thing that all men with Klinefelter syndrome have in common, is the extra X chromosome. Nonetheless, the consequences differ. Some people, for example, can be really tired and their short-term memory isn't functioning properly. In my case, I'm always bursting with energy and I remember nothing from longer than seven years ago. Isn't that convenient? Holding a grudge against an old ex is basically impossible for me. I'd make a perfect politician thanks to my shortage of vivid memories. I get along well with both men and women, which I find amazing. I don't consider having an extra X chromosome a disorder. I actually believe it's a gift.

Explanation

Getting diagnosed with Klinefelter syndrome wasn't difficult to accept. Admittedly, knowing I had Klinefelter syndrome was quite a relief, because the reason why things were so different, was finally explained. Like having a bad memory, or the lack of empathy I had back then. Or the metabolic disorder I have which makes me look big. However, it doesn't really bother me, because everyone has something they have to deal with. I'm doing just fine. I have a job, I'm a member on multiple boards, I play trombone, and I do sports several times a week. If anything, I'll be the last one to complain.

Open

I've never been in the closet, as no one ever told me to keep it a secret. As for my current wife, I told her all the ins and outs during our first date: 'I'm Koen and I have Klinefelter syndrome. This means my body doesn't produce testosterone, so sometimes I might be a bit harsh and uncontrolled.' When I applied for my current job, they asked me about extracurricular activities and I told them I was a member of the board of Klinefelter's Syndrome Association, and that I suffered from Klinefelter syndrome myself. They didn't think it was an issue at all, even though the Municipality of Scherpenzeel, where I happen to work, actually has a pretty conservative mindset. There isn't even the slightest chance of them attaching a rainbow flag onto the city hall. But now, they're going to write a policy paper about inclusion. I didn't even have to push for that to happen. Apparently, being myself was just enough.

We exist

I regularly take part in demonstrations like the Amsterdam Pride Walk or the Utrecht Canal Pride to bring intersex to people's attention. Intersex people are not even mentioned in biology textbooks for kids. We don't really seem to exist. During pregnancy, if it turns out that the baby has Klinefelter syndrome, the parents are given the option to abort the child. Even if I could show just three intersex people that they aren't alone, it would make a huge difference. If that number would change to 300 instead, it'd be even better. It's important that people know there's more than just men and women.

Misunderstanding

I had vaguely heard about intersex before. I used to think it meant that someone is half man and half woman. After I found out I was intersex myself, I discovered that this phenomenon occurs in many different ways. Being intersex doesn't necessarily mean having both male and female reproductive parts. It can occur, but this usually isn't the case. For example, I've got no male reproductive parts, but I do have both X and Y chromosomes. But I am still a girl, and I certainly do feel like a girl, there's no doubt about that.

Bullying

During puberty, I noticed that everyone's body was going through some changes, and my friends all started dating. But I still had the body and interests of a child, even in the last year of secondary school. At the time, it didn't bother me that much. Nonetheless, other kids would bully me. They called me a baby and said I was flat because I didn't have any breasts. That really bothered me and it made me feel lonely.

Getting diagnosed

When I was around 17 years old, I scheduled a doctor's appointment to make sure everything was alright. After a few examinations, they told me I had Swyer syndrome, a condition that affects sex development. Although I have a uterus and fallopian tubes within my body, my ovaries didn't develop the way they normally should. From a young age, I pictured having kids somewhere in the future. I had to give up on that dream right away. I also needed to have surgery to remove the glands that actually should have developed into ovaries. It turned out that there were already malignant cells, which basically meant that they needed to monitor me to prevent further metastases within the same area. It was a difficult time for me and I also dealt with constant feelings of fear. What if I also happened to have cancer, besides having the Swyer syndrome and being infertile?

Living a double life

At first, I only felt comfortable and safe enough talking about this situation with my family. I can always share everything with my mom, dad, and my sisters, Ilani and Shari. If it wouldn't be for them, I'd never be where I'm now. After some time passed, I confided in a friend of mine. To others, I would lie whenever I had to go to the hospital to have surgery or medical examinations. When people asked me whether I would like to have children, I always dodged the question. I was leading a double life and it just didn't feel right.

Social media

My older sister Shari came up with the idea to come out with a message on Facebook. She even wrote the message for me because I just couldn't bring myself to do it. The moment I hit the 'send' button, my heart was beating out of my chest. We just couldn't look away from the screen, because we were anxiously awaiting the responses. But then, we received tons of compliments and likes. People were telling me that I was brave and courageous. Each and every positive comment I read boosted my self-confidence, and made me feel slightly better. Apparently, I made the right decision sharing my story with the outside world after all!

Proud of being intersex

At the time, I didn't know that my condition is classified as intersex. I discovered this while seeing a play in Ghent, a city in Belgium, called: X Y WE. My doctor recommended seeing the play. But she had never told me I was intersex. After the play, I went to talk with some actors who are intersex, and during our conversations something just clicked. We finished each other's sentences and understood each other completely.

Nothing's wrong with me

I prefer saying I'm intersex rather than saying I have a syndrome. To me, having a syndrome sounds like suffering from an illness or a disorder. Though, being intersex is nothing more than something you are, just like how people are either a man or a woman. Nothing's wrong with me. I'm even proud of being an intersex person. It's just something that comes naturally, and at the same time, it's really special.

Being a role model

Nowadays, I really just want to show everyone my true self and I aspire to be a role model. Next year I'll be graduating and after that, I'll be working as a teacher. Now that I know I can't get pregnant, I like to stick to the idea that I'll be playing a crucial part in the lives of many kids who I'll be teaching. I will definitely tell them I'm intersex. The reason for doing so is because it will help them to accept others and themselves for who they are. One way or another, everybody is different in their own way, and everyone wants to be included and accepted. I can contribute to that.